Audience of One

Have you ever looked back at something you experienced and realized you could have avoided the experience altogether? I’m not talking about the bad choices, stupid mistakes, “what what I thinking” kind of stuff. I’m talking about having the foresight to avoid the hard learned lesson

Don’t get me wrong, I get that hindsight is, as they say, 20/20. If we could just see where a decision was going to take us, life would be easier, right?  If we knew which fork to take, we could minimize – if not avoid – the rough terrain. Sometimes, though it’s good to take a good hard look at where we’ve been. Often, it’s in looking back that lessons are learned. (Proverbs 24:16)

For me, this self-examination resulted when I was forced to end a rather unhealthy relationship I had with someone I considered a mentor and friend. For years I saw the backlash people endured when they crossed this person, but I looked the other way. And worse, I stayed and did nothing. (1 Corinthians 15:33)

God had shown me over and over that it was time to sever ties. I knew what was happening was not right, but I was being told I was special. I saw what was happening, but I was told I mattered. I watched others fall prey, yet I continued to engage, And all along I secretly wondered if the extent of the relationship was what I could do for that person. I held onto crumbs of “friendship” that were thrown my way. It was years before I had the courage to leave, and it perplexes me why I settled for so little, in light of what God has for me. (John 10:10)

It was in trying to understand what happened, that I realized I had a part in it. You see, I figured out that it was my desire to please man instead of God that lead me down this road. It was the need for approval that caused me to overlook obvious signs that this relationship as problematic. (Psalm 118:8, Micah 7: 5-8)  Once I understood, it was not difficult to understand how I got there. The truth is that every time we seek man’s approval over God’s, we will be disappointed.

God alone is my approver. (Galatians 1:10) It’s funny though, how often I look elsewhere for validation. I have to believe I am not alone. We all want someone to say “well done.” We all hope someone will notice and find favor in us. Look around, and it doesn’t take long to spot someone seeking approval. You might find it in people climbing the corporate ladder. It can manifest in those seeking applause on a stage. It happens any time we do anything for man’s approval alone. (1 Thessalonians 2:4)

I’m not saying applause or approval is bad in itself. It only becomes a problem when our value is based on the approval rating we receive from others rather than on what God says about us. It is only when we look outside God’s provision that we miss the extravagant value God has placed on us. And our worth to Him is not based on what we can give, or what we can do. It is based solely on His love for us. (Psalm 139: 13 – 16, Ephesians 2:4 – 9)

God alone has the right to determine our significance, for it is He alone who paid the price. (Romans 5:8, 1 Peter 1: 18 – 19, Ephesians 2: 4 – 7) Over and over He declares his love and approval for us! His thoughts towards us are good, (Jeremiah 29:11) and infinite. (Jeremiah 31:3) He says we are valuable. (Psalm 46:5, 1 Peter 2:9) We are His beloved treasure and precious jewel. (Proverbs 31:10, Isaiah 49:16)

So, now I hope to engrave this lesson on my heart. I ask for His forgiveness for looking to man for what only He can provide, and look forward to the next chapter He is writing in my life. (Ephesians 2:24, Philippians 3:13) Now, oh Lord, help me be approved by an audience of one. (Matthew 6: 1 – 6)

Beautiful Mess

Everything we do, is filtered through the experiences we have throughout our lives – whether good or bad. Being alive guarantees each of us a mix of positive or painful, happy or sad, gain, or loss. Intentional or accidental experiences mix together and embody who we are. It’s a road that begins at our birth, and shapes every experience that comes after.

We all know that one person who’s life seems untouched by sorrow. It’s tempting to believe there are people who escape hardship in life. But, in reality none of us is exempt. A life lived without trouble does not exist. (John 16:33)

It’s not all bad, either. Truthfully, most of us experience a mix of good and bad. Difficulty is guaranteed, but usually so is joy. We have sad times and happy times. We go up to the mountain and down in the desert. We gain and lose… and it all combines to create a beautiful tapestry of color that makes up our lives. (Ecclesiastes 7:14)

Sometimes, though life brings more bad than good. What happens when tragedy and pain are experienced in greater proportion than joy and happiness? What happens to the human heart when life is overwhelming bad? If a life begins in hardship, is the rest of life doomed to be viewed through the filter of pain? If every message says “you are unwanted, unloved, a mistake,” can there be any hope?

I say yes, there is. I know because I have experienced what happens when God reshapes the message life gives. He alone can fix the broken. He alone can change the trajectory of our lives. He alone promises to take the burned, tragic ashes of life, and replace them with beauty. (Isaiah 61:3)

In the 1950’s, while pregnant with me, my mother sought to have a back alley abortion. She wasn’t evil, she was tired and overwhelmed, and it seems like a solution to her problems. My father and his sister found out, intervened, and in the summer of 1956, I was born. My mother was stopped from making a decision that would have stopped my life before it began. Unfortunately,  it began a journey of physical and verbal abuse for me that lasted until I left home at 17.

My mother was a broken individual, who inflicted her pain on those around her. Forced to follow have a child she did not want, she viewed me with resentment. For as long as I can remember I was reminded daily that her life would have been better had she been allowed to abort me. She made it clear I was the biggest mistake of her life with words, and beatings and neglect.

I tell you this not to extort sadness or pity from you. In fact, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I tell you this to help you understand how far down I was. This beginning to my life taught me I was unwanted and unloved, and it impacted every choice I made for a good portion of my life. In short, my life was a mess. I came to know God when I was a dirty, broken, sad, and hopeless woman.

If the story ended there, it would be tragic – but it did not. All my experiences have shaped me into who I am today. (Romans 8:28) God uses my story to help others, and He can use yours too. The beautiful thing is that God chooses to use broken vessels like us to do His work. And through that work, He gets the glory. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

There’s an entire story behind the crooked path that got me from there to here, but I’ll save that for a future post. What’s important is that He changed me, and He can change you as well. He alone can take a mess and turned it into a beautiful message.