Time to Heal

Surgery is painful. Maybe you’ve gone under the knife, so you’re aware. But I’m saying this because I want you to be prepared if you don’t already know. I want you to know it’s going to hurt.

Here’s why I say this – just about a year ago I had my own experience – I had a total knee replacement. I’ve heard those in the medical field say it’s one of the most painful surgeries you can have. Well, I can tell it was for me.

I had needed the surgery for about 10 years. During that time, I couldn’t walk without pain, and it got to a point where my life was pretty limited. In addition, because I waited, the surgery was more complex. Walking around with an injured knee caused more damage. Because I waited, there was more to repair, and my recovery was more painful than it had to be.

That experience taught me a lot, though. Damage had limited my life and waiting to fix it had caused a long and difficult recovery. Hmmm…I think this happens in our spiritual lives too. There are times when our souls are broken and need healing. But for whatever reason, we live with it – we tough it out because we don’t want to go through the pain of getting it fixed

You see we all have wounds and lameness, (Mark 2:17) and no one is exempt from hurt. Nope… pain is common to all of us. I’m talking about the internal stuff we know needs to be dealt with. We need a “spiritual procedure” but we avoid it at all costs. (John 5: 5) We’d rather walk around living a limited life than go through the pain of surgery – even at the hands of a loving physician. (Mark 2:13-17, Psalm 147:3)

I’ve been thinking a lot about this, lately. There was a time in life that I resisted the cure only to limp around in brokenness – just like the man in John 5:5 who laid at the pool of Bethesda for 38 years. The Bible doesn’t say what his issue was, it just says he was lame. I personally believe the diagnosis is vague for a reason. Lame can mean a lot of things. Physical, spiritual, and mental limitations are all a type of lameness, and can hold us back. And lameness can cause us to live lives that are less than God’s plan. (Jeremiah 29:11)

For a long time, I was lame. My early years had inflicted so much hurt that I was paralyzed spiritually. The resulting damage lingered and grew and nearly swallowed me whole. I lived that way well into adulthood and lay in brokenness until an encounter with a loving God changed my life, healed me and changed me forever. (Isaiah 61:3)

The healing of my heart was a painful process and sometimes and the process seemed like it would never end. The experiences that shattered my soul had infected so many areas in my life that recovery was long and difficult. But, I did heal. And as hard as it was, the pain slowly faded and I began to walk in freedom for the first time in my life. The healing allowed me to move the way God had planned all along for me. (Acts 17:26)

But I’m not done. Even though there was a huge spiritual healing through that experience, it’s not the end of the healing process. Throughout my life, it will be necessary to go back to the great physician for more surgery. I know it’s likely going to be painful, but I also know the Lord can and wants to heal. (John 5:6, Psalm 107:20, Jeremiah 30:17)

And that’s where things have changed for me. I no longer wait years before looking to God to heal those broken things inside me because I’m fearful of the pain that sometimes goes along with healing. Just like most people, I don’t like to hurt. But, just like my experience with my knee, I don’t want to let the wound to fester and grow and cause more damage. I don’t want my life to be limited, so I willingly choose to allow God to reach in and heal the broken places.

So, I ask you. What lameness are you keeping? Is it holding captive and preventing you from moving through life as God intended? I pray you will be brave enough to go to the one who can heal it. Please don’t let it linger and cause further damage. Don’t be afraid – the pain of the surgery will give you new life. (Isaiah 41:10)

Go Ahead, Fail

“It’s okay to fail.” We like to say that where I work. I’ve also seen that said here and there on social media. To say it’s okay to make mistakes seems to make sense. But I have to confess, I’m not sure I find it acceptable to bomb.

To be honest, I don’t know that I like the idea of floundering at all. Healthy or not, I lean heavily towards perfectionism, so this notion of acceptable messes does not come easily to me. It certainly does not bring me the same joy I feel when I reach a goal. And I don’t see anyone being rewarded for failing – so how can it be okay?

I think we need to start with the illusion of perfection. It’s a fantasy to believe anyone (aside from Jesus Christ) is, or ever was able to avoid failure. Like it or not, every one of us falls short. (Romans 3:23) We do it often – sometimes in great and disastrous ways.  

As for me, I think I could compete with Paul to claim “chief sinner.” (1 Timothy 1:5) There have been so many awful decisions. So many wrong turns and bad outcomes. Sadly, it would be a long and shameful list if I wrote out every failure from my past. I’m not exaggerating, just stating a fact. My past is ugly.

When I became a Christian, I knew I was forgiven for all of it. I understood grace as a concept, but, still struggled with the facts of my life. I wasn’t really free from my past because there is a difference between what we understand as truth, and what we know in the depth our souls.  

Thankfully, though, while failures are part of my life, they no longer define me. I am convinced that Jesus’s death on the cross moved every sin and failure far away from me. (Psalm 103:12) Because of his willingness to pay a debt I could not, I am freed from the consequence of my sin, my failures no longer keep me in bondage.

So, you might be wondering how I got here. What specific steps drove me to this incredible place of freedom? Easy… I read God’s word. But I didn’t just read it, I believed it. You see, the moment I became a Christian I believed God’s word was true. Now, understand, that belief did not immediately change my thinking about my past. I still struggled. I read, but I didn’t believe it was true for me.

One day, while reading scriptures about how God sets us free from our past. (Galatians 5:1) I understood what the words meant. But at that moment I was confronted with this: If I believe God’s word is true, then why do I not believe it’s true for me? If God says I am forgiven and my past is no longer remembered, then it has to be true. (Isaiah 43:25)

I could no longer hold my past over my own head. Whether I felt it was true or not, I had to believe. I chose to believe and it changed everything… except my past. What I mean is that knowing God and believing he sets us free from our sins, does not erase what happened. I don’t forget my past and neither does anyone else who knew me back then. What it does is filter everything through the lens of the cross. This is mercy, plain and simple. (1 John 1:9)

Knowing mercy like this, I am free from the fear of failing. And, I will fall down again. Not by choice, but by nature. As a human, it’s in my DNA. I will mess up, and I will expect God to forgive as he has promised. (Matthew 6:14-15) And this is the promise for every believer.  

We are going to fail and it’s okay. And if we have already failed, our past is reconciled through Jesus. Choose to believe that God’s promises are yours and you will find a peace that is beyond what you can reason. (Philippians 4:7)

 

In a Bleak Mid-Winter

Have you ever experienced winter when the weather conditions align in such a way to paint the landscape in diamond-like crystals? It usually happens when it’s very cold. It’s so beautiful, you almost forget that it comes out of the bleakness of winter.

Let me be honest – I don’t like winter. I don’t like the cold, and I don’t want to be outside. I’m not the kind of person who participates in activities like skiing, snowboarding, or sledding. When winter comes, I am inclined to hunker down inside my warm house. Yep, to me, winter is cold and dark and goes on far too long.

I haven’t always lived in a place where winter is long and cold and dark. There was a time I lived where there was barely a discernible change from one time of year to the next. There were a lot of things I liked about living in this area of the country – namely the weather. I loved the predictably warm days. I didn’t mind that it never changed much. I can’t say it ever really bothered me to spend Christmas on the beach in shorts. In a place like this, day flows into day, with little change. And at for me, that was the way it should be.

However, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how good it is for our souls to experience changes in seasons. In particular, there’s something renewing in moving from winter to spring. The anticipation of the next warmer season is a force that drives me to move through the days and weeks of cold and dark. Winter can be hard, but without it, I don’t know that I would truly appreciate spring.  

There are times when life can feel like winter. But sometimes, when we face cold, dark, and bleak times in life it can be hard to imagine spring will follow. No one is exempt from this – for all of us, life ebbs and flows, and at some point, we’ll all face a winter season. (John 16:33)  So how do we move through it and look forward to the change?

First, recognize a time of darkness and cold are common to all of us. The Bible is full of examples. (Genesis 50, Ruth 1, Job 1) When it happens, it’s easy to feel isolated, but try to remember others have experienced winters too. I’ve had to learn to recognize the season I’m in, while not letting myself get frozen in it. It’s not always easy, but it is very necessary. Without purposeful redirecting my self-talk, I would be in constant winter just by convincing myself I’m the only person ever who’s been in this place.   

Second, remember it is a season; it is not going to last forever. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8) One of the most critical parts of moving through winter is to experience it for the moment it is while keeping focused on the spring ahead. It’s easy for me to wistfully daydream about how great it was before winter began. Conversely, I can waste a lot of time and energy stuck in one place focusing on last spring. But I’ve learned it’s a delicate balance of continual walking combined with forward-looking. What I cannot do is stop and focus on the cold. We’re supposed to walk through the valley, not sit in it. (Psalm 23) Keep walking, and keep looking. Spring will come. (Hosea 6:3, Song of Solomon 2:11-12)

The third part of surviving winter is noticing the beauty of it. Yes, I said it – there is beauty in the bleakness. Even winter offers an allure. There is something so lovely about the crisp white covering of snow. (Isaiah 1:18) It’s preparation for the next season as nature prepares for a season of growth and renewal. And, so it is for us. 

Don’t despise the colder seasons. Remember, when it’s cold and bleak, we also get to see the magnificence of sun upon ice crystals, reminding us of God’s promises of restoration and redemption. (Proverbs 3:5-6, James 1:2-8, John 16:33, 1 Peter 5:10)

My Beautiful Ashes

Fool me once; shame on you. Fool me twice; shame on me. No matter how many times I hear that saying I don’t like it. I don’t like that it implies once you hurt me, I should be suspect of everything you do. But, I mostly don’t like that I’ve allowed people to mislead me more times than I’d like to admit.
It’s not that I’m over-trusting – at least I don’t think I am. I’d like to think I possess a balance of wary and trusting, mixed with a little common sense. Like many people, my immediate knee-jerk reaction to being hurt is to declare I’ll never allow that to happen again. But, the truth is, I’ve trusted and been fooled many times despite my best laid intention to “never let anyone mess with me again.”
The truth is, as human beings, we are messy. Scripture is clear, we are all sinners, and I’m not exempt. (1 Timothy 1:15) No matter how careful we are, we are going hurt those around us, and those around us will hurt us.
There’s no need to wonder whether we will get hurt, because we will. The question is whether the pain others inflict dampens our willingness to approach others with open hearts and arms. How do we balance caution with the freedom to freely love those around us?
There’s certainly enough evidence to convince us to keep our hearts locked in fear. Scripture is clear that we are all evil at our core. (Jeremiah 17:9-10) The depravity of human nature is not new, but it feels like it’s becoming more common.
Just turn on the TV, radio, or look at social media to find examples. It seems like every day some horrible event confirms the fact that humans can be downright evil. Because of technology we see and hear news in real time, it’s more difficult to separate ourselves from crime and violence. It’s shocking, and it makes people want to isolate themselves in a veiled attempt to feel safe.
But I don’t want fear to cause me to shut down. I’ve had my own experiences with pain, and they were bad enough to send me down a bad path – for a while.
I was molested at a very young age by my mother and later by an older male cousin The damage from this betrayal was deep and long term. The hurt and shame set me on a long course of self destruction. It replaced my God given identity (Jeremiah 1:5) with one that declared me a victim.
I live that identity for many years. Everything and everyone around me was impacted by my chaos. I was afraid and broken. But God never intended us to live in pain like that. (Jeremiah 29:11) His divine plan for our lives is to restore what the locusts eat. (Joel 2:25)
Eventually I found myself at a crossroad; at THE cross. And it changed everything. Scripture says that God will create beauty the burned up ashes, (Isaiah 61:3) and that is what God did in my life. In fact, my life verse. I love it because it speaks of a miraculous transformation from charred and scorched to ravishing beauty. It promises rebirth. It declares us whole in our brokenness.
I’m not implying it was easy, or overnight. It was not. It involved me facing my own mess, and learning a new way to live. Hard as it was, it was worth every painful step. Today, years later, I have family, friends, and a pretty amazing life. I stand on God’s promise to restore me every day of my life. Because of who He is, I am free to open my heart and arms to others. And now the mountain of loss and ashes have become the story God uses to help others find their way to His healing.

Which Way Lord?

I am a planner. I’m fine with change – as long as I know all the details of where, when, and how it will occur. The problem is, it doesn’t usually work that way. Life pretty much guarantees we won’t always have an opportunity to plan ahead for changes. And when life shifts, there are times I struggle to regain my balance.

Change is tricky. It can be unexpected, and when life goes in a direction we weren’t expecting, we’re supposed to trust. (Proverbs 3:6) As Christians, we look to God, because scripture tells us our hope, comfort, peace, and guidance are in Him. (Psalm 42:5)

But, how does that work when change is ushered in through decisions I make? How does God guide me, when I am the one making the decision? When the choice is mine, the risk feels greater. Decisions can change lives for better—or for worse. It’s a sobering thought and often leads me to the kind of circular thinking that keeps me stuck for a long time.

How then, do I un-stick? Truthfully, I’m still figuring out how this works. I am learning to navigate by faith and look for God’s direction. I’m not saying it’s easy because honestly, it would be easier to wallow in fear and worry. My habit of looking outside myself comes as easy as my habit of going to the gym. And by “easy” I mean “not-natural-to-me-at-all!” I’m not implying it’s not been challenging, but I am beginning to see that it works.

There are many times God shows me which way to go when I read the bible. Scriptures are full of examples of people making natural, normal, and necessary decisions. (Acts 16:7, Acts 19:21, Titus 3:12) Most of the people we see as examples are common, ordinary people – just like me. They did not possess extraordinary skills or talents – they just believed God would show them which path to take. (Psalm 119:105-106)

There are times, though that I still wonder if I really understand what to do and which way to go. How do I know when He’s “speaking?” There a scripture that says God is in the still, small voice. (1 Kings 19:12) That’s a beautiful picture, but sometimes I need more than a whisper; sometimes I need Him to yell!

I’ve often prayed that God would “speak” loudly, so there’s no doubt. Am I alone in my desire for the thundering voice or burning bush? Can God speak so we understand? I declare He can and does.

For me, God speaks in many ways. One way He speaks to me is through the environment around me. A phrase I heard somewhere and often use is “Kisses from the King.” He often reaches me that way.

Kisses happen when you hear lyrics to a song that send a shiver down your spine. They happen when you read a scripture and it comes up again, in a sermon. It can be a word on a poster or on your cup of coffee. Sometimes it happens through the words of a friend, stranger, or even an enemy.

Whatever the medium, God uses the world around us to speak his love and direction to us. And this should not surprise us. If God can use Balaam’s donkey to speak (Numbers 22: 21 – 39), He can surely use a car radio, a Hallmark card, or your neighbor.  

The fact that God promises to guide our steps, should not come as a shock. His name is Counselor, Advocate, and Teacher. (Isaiah 9:6, Romans 8:1, Exodus 4:15)  But, experiencing the King’s kisses take practice. I challenge you to look for those God moments every day. Seek to recognize His promptings. Keep a journal so you remember all the times He spoke. Ask and believe that God will answer. (Mark 11:24, Romans 10: 9)  

Filling the Hole

Throughout my life, I’ve found myself looking at people or things to fill the empty places in my heart. In my defense, I don’t think I’m completely alone in this. As humans I believe we are born with a hole in our being that must be satisfied, so we look around for something or someone to satisfy where we feel empty. For most of us, it’s a deep ache and drives many of our decisions.  

As Christians, though, we likely know that God alone is capable of truly satiating that empty spot. (Ephesians 3:19, Numbers 14:21) We were meant to find life through God. But, even if we believe that’s true with every fiber of our being, we often still look for something tangible to furnish happiness.

It’s not that we don’t want what God offers, it’s just that we want our desires filled with something palpable. There is something in us that always yearns, so, we grab onto whatever solid thing is in front of us. We look to what we can see, rather than set our hopes on an unseen force – even if that unseen force it what’s best for us.

I’m no different. You’d think I’d know better, but I often forget that what God offers always surpasses anything I can come up with on my own. (James 1:7) Often, in my haste to find relief for the emptiness I feel, I fill up with people or things. And the feeling I get never lasts because even the best people or things cannot sufficiently fill the bottomless pit in my soul.

We don’t just look to people of things, either. I know I’ve tried to find life in some good and not so good ways. I’ve tried respectable things like sports, a career, motherhood, marriage. Unfortunately, I’ve also tried some destructive things like drugs, alcohol, and sex. Maybe you’ve tried different fillers too? There’s a whole gamut of things you may have attempted. Or maybe you are still trying them? Whatever it is, these things may seem to work, but, the effects are usually temporary. Usually, these devices require us to return for refilling at frequent intervals to keep them working.

Anyway, good or bad, acceptable or not, nothing but God can plug that deep, empty place. It really doesn’t matter what it is – it will never really give us life because only God in us works. What we find on our own, is never going to adequately furnish what He alone can. (Psalm 81:10, Ephesians 3:17 – 19) Our only hope of filling the void is looking to the one who created us in the first place.

You see, we were designed with an empty space that only God can fill. CS Lewis said: “If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.”  So our only hope of plugging the hole is through God. He alone is capable of filling the place He created.

Beautiful Mess

Everything we do, is filtered through the experiences we have throughout our lives – whether good or bad. Being alive guarantees each of us a mix of positive or painful, happy or sad, gain, or loss. Intentional or accidental experiences mix together and embody who we are. It’s a road that begins at our birth, and shapes every experience that comes after.

We all know that one person who’s life seems untouched by sorrow. It’s tempting to believe there are people who escape hardship in life. But, in reality none of us is exempt. A life lived without trouble does not exist. (John 16:33)

It’s not all bad, either. Truthfully, most of us experience a mix of good and bad. Difficulty is guaranteed, but usually so is joy. We have sad times and happy times. We go up to the mountain and down in the desert. We gain and lose… and it all combines to create a beautiful tapestry of color that makes up our lives. (Ecclesiastes 7:14)

Sometimes, though life brings more bad than good. What happens when tragedy and pain are experienced in greater proportion than joy and happiness? What happens to the human heart when life is overwhelming bad? If a life begins in hardship, is the rest of life doomed to be viewed through the filter of pain? If every message says “you are unwanted, unloved, a mistake,” can there be any hope?

I say yes, there is. I know because I have experienced what happens when God reshapes the message life gives. He alone can fix the broken. He alone can change the trajectory of our lives. He alone promises to take the burned, tragic ashes of life, and replace them with beauty. (Isaiah 61:3)

In the 1950’s, while pregnant with me, my mother sought to have a back alley abortion. She wasn’t evil, she was tired and overwhelmed, and it seems like a solution to her problems. My father and his sister found out, intervened, and in the summer of 1956, I was born. My mother was stopped from making a decision that would have stopped my life before it began. Unfortunately,  it began a journey of physical and verbal abuse for me that lasted until I left home at 17.

My mother was a broken individual, who inflicted her pain on those around her. Forced to follow have a child she did not want, she viewed me with resentment. For as long as I can remember I was reminded daily that her life would have been better had she been allowed to abort me. She made it clear I was the biggest mistake of her life with words, and beatings and neglect.

I tell you this not to extort sadness or pity from you. In fact, I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. I tell you this to help you understand how far down I was. This beginning to my life taught me I was unwanted and unloved, and it impacted every choice I made for a good portion of my life. In short, my life was a mess. I came to know God when I was a dirty, broken, sad, and hopeless woman.

If the story ended there, it would be tragic – but it did not. All my experiences have shaped me into who I am today. (Romans 8:28) God uses my story to help others, and He can use yours too. The beautiful thing is that God chooses to use broken vessels like us to do His work. And through that work, He gets the glory. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

There’s an entire story behind the crooked path that got me from there to here, but I’ll save that for a future post. What’s important is that He changed me, and He can change you as well. He alone can take a mess and turned it into a beautiful message.