My Beautiful Ashes

Fool me once; shame on you. Fool me twice; shame on me. No matter how many times I hear that saying I don’t like it. I don’t like that it implies once you hurt me, I should be suspect of everything you do. But, I mostly don’t like that I’ve allowed people to mislead me more times than I’d like to admit.
It’s not that I’m over-trusting – at least I don’t think I am. I’d like to think I possess a balance of wary and trusting, mixed with a little common sense. Like many people, my immediate knee-jerk reaction to being hurt is to declare I’ll never allow that to happen again. But, the truth is, I’ve trusted and been fooled many times despite my best laid intention to “never let anyone mess with me again.”
The truth is, as human beings, we are messy. Scripture is clear, we are all sinners, and I’m not exempt. (1 Timothy 1:15) No matter how careful we are, we are going hurt those around us, and those around us will hurt us.
There’s no need to wonder whether we will get hurt, because we will. The question is whether the pain others inflict dampens our willingness to approach others with open hearts and arms. How do we balance caution with the freedom to freely love those around us?
There’s certainly enough evidence to convince us to keep our hearts locked in fear. Scripture is clear that we are all evil at our core. (Jeremiah 17:9-10) The depravity of human nature is not new, but it feels like it’s becoming more common.
Just turn on the TV, radio, or look at social media to find examples. It seems like every day some horrible event confirms the fact that humans can be downright evil. Because of technology we see and hear news in real time, it’s more difficult to separate ourselves from crime and violence. It’s shocking, and it makes people want to isolate themselves in a veiled attempt to feel safe.
But I don’t want fear to cause me to shut down. I’ve had my own experiences with pain, and they were bad enough to send me down a bad path – for a while.
I was molested at a very young age by my mother and later by an older male cousin The damage from this betrayal was deep and long term. The hurt and shame set me on a long course of self destruction. It replaced my God given identity (Jeremiah 1:5) with one that declared me a victim.
I live that identity for many years. Everything and everyone around me was impacted by my chaos. I was afraid and broken. But God never intended us to live in pain like that. (Jeremiah 29:11) His divine plan for our lives is to restore what the locusts eat. (Joel 2:25)
Eventually I found myself at a crossroad; at THE cross. And it changed everything. Scripture says that God will create beauty the burned up ashes, (Isaiah 61:3) and that is what God did in my life. In fact, my life verse. I love it because it speaks of a miraculous transformation from charred and scorched to ravishing beauty. It promises rebirth. It declares us whole in our brokenness.
I’m not implying it was easy, or overnight. It was not. It involved me facing my own mess, and learning a new way to live. Hard as it was, it was worth every painful step. Today, years later, I have family, friends, and a pretty amazing life. I stand on God’s promise to restore me every day of my life. Because of who He is, I am free to open my heart and arms to others. And now the mountain of loss and ashes have become the story God uses to help others find their way to His healing.

Which Way Lord?

I am a planner. I’m fine with change – as long as I know all the details of where, when, and how it will occur. The problem is, it doesn’t usually work that way. Life pretty much guarantees we won’t always have an opportunity to plan ahead for changes. And when life shifts, there are times I struggle to regain my balance.

Change is tricky. It can be unexpected, and when life goes in a direction we weren’t expecting, we’re supposed to trust. (Proverbs 3:6) As Christians, we look to God, because scripture tells us our hope, comfort, peace, and guidance are in Him. (Psalm 42:5)

But, how does that work when change is ushered in through decisions I make? How does God guide me, when I am the one making the decision? When the choice is mine, the risk feels greater. Decisions can change lives for better—or for worse. It’s a sobering thought and often leads me to the kind of circular thinking that keeps me stuck for a long time.

How then, do I un-stick? Truthfully, I’m still figuring out how this works. I am learning to navigate by faith and look for God’s direction. I’m not saying it’s easy because honestly, it would be easier to wallow in fear and worry. My habit of looking outside myself comes as easy as my habit of going to the gym. And by “easy” I mean “not-natural-to-me-at-all!” I’m not implying it’s not been challenging, but I am beginning to see that it works.

There are many times God shows me which way to go when I read the bible. Scriptures are full of examples of people making natural, normal, and necessary decisions. (Acts 16:7, Acts 19:21, Titus 3:12) Most of the people we see as examples are common, ordinary people – just like me. They did not possess extraordinary skills or talents – they just believed God would show them which path to take. (Psalm 119:105-106)

There are times, though that I still wonder if I really understand what to do and which way to go. How do I know when He’s “speaking?” There a scripture that says God is in the still, small voice. (1 Kings 19:12) That’s a beautiful picture, but sometimes I need more than a whisper; sometimes I need Him to yell!

I’ve often prayed that God would “speak” loudly, so there’s no doubt. Am I alone in my desire for the thundering voice or burning bush? Can God speak so we understand? I declare He can and does.

For me, God speaks in many ways. One way He speaks to me is through the environment around me. A phrase I heard somewhere and often use is “Kisses from the King.” He often reaches me that way.

Kisses happen when you hear lyrics to a song that send a shiver down your spine. They happen when you read a scripture and it comes up again, in a sermon. It can be a word on a poster or on your cup of coffee. Sometimes it happens through the words of a friend, stranger, or even an enemy.

Whatever the medium, God uses the world around us to speak his love and direction to us. And this should not surprise us. If God can use Balaam’s donkey to speak (Numbers 22: 21 – 39), He can surely use a car radio, a Hallmark card, or your neighbor.  

The fact that God promises to guide our steps, should not come as a shock. His name is Counselor, Advocate, and Teacher. (Isaiah 9:6, Romans 8:1, Exodus 4:15)  But, experiencing the King’s kisses take practice. I challenge you to look for those God moments every day. Seek to recognize His promptings. Keep a journal so you remember all the times He spoke. Ask and believe that God will answer. (Mark 11:24, Romans 10: 9)